I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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