the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
