I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
