I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
