So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
