I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
