the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
