Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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