I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
did i just pee glitter
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