my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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