ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
