he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
