he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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