I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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