just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
