Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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