I should be sponsored by Trojan
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
