new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize