literally had 100 drinks last night.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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