There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
