my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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