dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
