Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
