Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
