I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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