Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i out mim tonsoeep
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