Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
