i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
