I wish my penis had an off switch
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
