The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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