Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
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