I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
