I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
