It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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