ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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