That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
