My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
