I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
