God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
