Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Found your dick twin last night
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
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