I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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