yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize