Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
