it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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