Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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