Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
