Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
