Pappa wants mamma naked
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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