apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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