Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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