It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
there is glitter all over my balls
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