Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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