my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
