How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
